Today I loved Ethan even more. He has been such a wonderful boy lately, but also all of his life. He is just growing up so much. I can't even believe that he'll be nine on Tuesday. Where did the time go?
I remember when he was two and we were at our first church building, when we lived at White Maple. We were trying to get pregnant, actually, I may have been going through the triple miscarriage phase. Anyway, we were all over at the church one week night and I was visiting with Chelsea Morgan. Taylor was in the gym playing basketball with Ethan and I will always have the image in my head of this darling little boy, with a smile that would brighten any day, looking up with so much love at his daddy. I thought at that moment that we had the perfect child and there could never be another as wonderful as him. Of course, as each of the other boys has come into our family I've been overwhelmed with a love that I didn't know was possible. Now I believe that each of my boys is perfect, in their own way, and I love them more than it is in my capacity to express.
Today though, I was reminded again about my dear son Ethan. He's been such a helper, always willing to hold Jake or push Luke on the swing. Luke thinks Ethan is the coolest kid on earth! He really wants to be wherever Ethan is. Anyway, this afternoon Ethan was following me around so I asked him if he was okay. He said that he had something for me and he seemed a little self-conscious about it. Finally he handed me this package that he had wrapped in green (because it is my favorite color) construction paper. The card on top said "Dear Mom, Have a Happy Mothers Day! I hope you will enjoy the homemade present I made for you. I hope this is enough." (Mother's Day isn't for two more weeks.) On the back of the card he had attached a pocket and inside were four quarters. Then in the package he had fifteen coupons that were things like vacuum family room, unload dishwasher, make breakfast, and my favorite, help make Michael shut-up (that is another story, but very appropriate as of late.) Anyway, I became all teary and gave him hugs and kisses. He even teared up a bit. I hope his heart felt good, because what he gave me means more than just the help he offered. It represents a son who recognizes that I'm often overwhelmed, and even though some of these things are his actual chores, he gave them to me with out expecting his commission or payment. He gave a gift of the heart and he did this all on his own. No one put him up to it, because I did ask if they told them to do something like this in his primary class. He has just really grown up and I feel so fortunate to be the Mother of such a thoughtful, handsome, sweet, tender son.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
One of the hardest things I've ever done...
Today was the third time I've left the hospital, after having a baby, without my baby. We were doing everything possible to avoid this again. It was my one big hope, that I'd actually get a final opportunity to take my baby with me. Well, for whatever reason, this was not what happened. When I said that I'd be grateful for my challenges, I didn't think about this...but I'm trying to be grateful and really stay on top of the horrible despair that fills my heart and empty arms.
Jacob Gordon Syphus, was born Friday, January 8, 2010 at 8:31 a.m. He weighed 5 lbs. 13 ozs. and was 18" long. He has a head full of hair and a beautiful covering of fine blond hair. He looks like a little fuzz ball under all of the lamps and heaters.
I treasure every moment when I get to hold him. And, although he is still in the NICU at IMC, and I just left the hospital this morning, I was able to get back this evening and hold him for nearly an hour. He looked at me for a little bit and I told him how excited his brothers are to meet him. I know that I've wanted a girl and whined about not getting one, but I wouldn't give him back and take a girl for anything! We have our team now; our five incredible sons. And, remarkably, I am looking forward to being back in the chaos and uphevel that is our life the majority of days. It is exhausting and often frustrating, the boys are loud, boisterous and contention seems to reign, but they are my sons and I love each of them so much. If one of them was not there, my heart would be broken. We are a family of sons, so these things come with the territory, and there are good things too. At least they don't hold grudges and there is very little drama, just action!
So, leaving Jake to the care of many different nurses, is miserable. But I can be grateful that he will be coming home soon. Jenn and Mary both came home with empty arms and hearts and they have to wait all their lives for that loss to be filled. So despite my tears, despite my bitterness and my frustration, I am grateful that Jake is safe and that he is doing so well. I'm so proud of how he is responding to me and how well he is eating. Now if we can eliminate the jaundice with the billie lights, he won't be as tired and he'll eat even more. Bless his precious little soul. He is a very choice gift that was sent to fill our home with a renewed sense of hope and happiness. He is our last baby, and I can say that with a good sense of relief and comfort. He will leave the hospital and come home soon and our home will be overwhelmed with love. Then, shortly after that, it will return to the normal decibel levels with toys everywhere and we'll all be grateful that things are back to normal.
Jacob Gordon Syphus, was born Friday, January 8, 2010 at 8:31 a.m. He weighed 5 lbs. 13 ozs. and was 18" long. He has a head full of hair and a beautiful covering of fine blond hair. He looks like a little fuzz ball under all of the lamps and heaters.
I treasure every moment when I get to hold him. And, although he is still in the NICU at IMC, and I just left the hospital this morning, I was able to get back this evening and hold him for nearly an hour. He looked at me for a little bit and I told him how excited his brothers are to meet him. I know that I've wanted a girl and whined about not getting one, but I wouldn't give him back and take a girl for anything! We have our team now; our five incredible sons. And, remarkably, I am looking forward to being back in the chaos and uphevel that is our life the majority of days. It is exhausting and often frustrating, the boys are loud, boisterous and contention seems to reign, but they are my sons and I love each of them so much. If one of them was not there, my heart would be broken. We are a family of sons, so these things come with the territory, and there are good things too. At least they don't hold grudges and there is very little drama, just action!
So, leaving Jake to the care of many different nurses, is miserable. But I can be grateful that he will be coming home soon. Jenn and Mary both came home with empty arms and hearts and they have to wait all their lives for that loss to be filled. So despite my tears, despite my bitterness and my frustration, I am grateful that Jake is safe and that he is doing so well. I'm so proud of how he is responding to me and how well he is eating. Now if we can eliminate the jaundice with the billie lights, he won't be as tired and he'll eat even more. Bless his precious little soul. He is a very choice gift that was sent to fill our home with a renewed sense of hope and happiness. He is our last baby, and I can say that with a good sense of relief and comfort. He will leave the hospital and come home soon and our home will be overwhelmed with love. Then, shortly after that, it will return to the normal decibel levels with toys everywhere and we'll all be grateful that things are back to normal.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
How things are going...
Taylor and I keep talking about Elder Bednar's conference talk. It is nice to know that he understands our pain...ahem I mean our situation.
Our boys have really been doing well. School and structure has made such a huge difference. Ethan has been amazing! He's on a 4th grade reading level (he's in 3rd). He gets 100% on his spelling tests and he is the only one in his class who has passed off all their times tables and started into division! What can I say, I'm proud of my big boy. A couple weeks ago, after coming home from parent/teacher conferences, he turned to me and said "I'm pretty tired, it's a lot of work being on a 4th grade reading level." I didn't laugh out loud, because that would have made him feel bad, but my smile was huge. I still laugh when I think of it.
Luke is the man. He knows that in order to be the boss, he just needs to scream louder than all of the rest of them, combined. It is painful on the ears. He's such a character, and now he's figured out how to climb up and down off the beds, kitchen table and counter. He smiles and does a little jig, then he gets into things or lands on top of one of the boys. What a nut he is!
Christian and Michael are constantly fighting, screaming and crying because one or the other hit one or the other because he wanted "it." It's becoming annoying, but they are so close in age and likes that I'm told it is normal. Fortunately they only have to spend an hour during each day (except Fri. when Michael doesn't have school) and then the evenings together. Michael has AM pre-school and Christian has PM kindergarten. They both love school, and not being in the same classes. Silly boys.
This afternoon I was sitting at the table cleaning a ceramic Christmas tree for my class this evening. Michael was sitting next to me. He talked the whole time. I couldn't believe how much he talked. He talked about Thomas the train and all of the crazy things he could do with him and the other engines. Then he brought up Aunt Holly. He said that we should move to Italy because it's warm there and we could live by you. I said that Italy was really far away and that we would have to fly there. Then he started making up places like M-Italy and L-Italy where we could get to easily and not fly over the ocean. One of them was warm like St. George (where he wants to move.) The other was a little windy, but not as windy as Heber. He just kept going on and on, it was so funny. He is trying to figure out why you live in Italy, Grandpa Syphus (who he called St. George on our last trip) lives in St. G and we live here. Incidentally, when we went to visit your dad a couple weekends ago, we left on Friday in the early afternoon. We hadn't been on 600 So. for more than a block and Michael pipes up from the back, "are we there yet?" Oh boy that was a LONG drive.
"You're breathing my air."
Our boys have really been doing well. School and structure has made such a huge difference. Ethan has been amazing! He's on a 4th grade reading level (he's in 3rd). He gets 100% on his spelling tests and he is the only one in his class who has passed off all their times tables and started into division! What can I say, I'm proud of my big boy. A couple weeks ago, after coming home from parent/teacher conferences, he turned to me and said "I'm pretty tired, it's a lot of work being on a 4th grade reading level." I didn't laugh out loud, because that would have made him feel bad, but my smile was huge. I still laugh when I think of it.
Luke is the man. He knows that in order to be the boss, he just needs to scream louder than all of the rest of them, combined. It is painful on the ears. He's such a character, and now he's figured out how to climb up and down off the beds, kitchen table and counter. He smiles and does a little jig, then he gets into things or lands on top of one of the boys. What a nut he is!
Christian and Michael are constantly fighting, screaming and crying because one or the other hit one or the other because he wanted "it." It's becoming annoying, but they are so close in age and likes that I'm told it is normal. Fortunately they only have to spend an hour during each day (except Fri. when Michael doesn't have school) and then the evenings together. Michael has AM pre-school and Christian has PM kindergarten. They both love school, and not being in the same classes. Silly boys.
This afternoon I was sitting at the table cleaning a ceramic Christmas tree for my class this evening. Michael was sitting next to me. He talked the whole time. I couldn't believe how much he talked. He talked about Thomas the train and all of the crazy things he could do with him and the other engines. Then he brought up Aunt Holly. He said that we should move to Italy because it's warm there and we could live by you. I said that Italy was really far away and that we would have to fly there. Then he started making up places like M-Italy and L-Italy where we could get to easily and not fly over the ocean. One of them was warm like St. George (where he wants to move.) The other was a little windy, but not as windy as Heber. He just kept going on and on, it was so funny. He is trying to figure out why you live in Italy, Grandpa Syphus (who he called St. George on our last trip) lives in St. G and we live here. Incidentally, when we went to visit your dad a couple weekends ago, we left on Friday in the early afternoon. We hadn't been on 600 So. for more than a block and Michael pipes up from the back, "are we there yet?" Oh boy that was a LONG drive.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
As I was reading my scriptures...
tonight, in the bathroom (my only semi-private spot), I read something that struck me. It's a good thing too, because I've been making life MUCH more difficult than it already is!
I read Mormon 5:2 about the wicked Nephites who were being lead by dear Mormon, who was without hope for his people, because they had abandoned God. Anyway, the last part struck me to the core: "they...did struggle for their lives without calling upon that Being who created them." I do that, or I am doing that! I'm completely daft! Why do I always get stuck trying to do everything by myself, when I know that the Lord will magnify me. I am not reading my scriptures daily, and strengthening my spirit as I need to. My prayers are flat and without feeling. My mind wanders and dwells on the difficulties, without searching for hope. We do not make it to the Temple monthly. We do have FHE, but it is seriously a major frustration. Each night we attempt to have 'song & prayer' with the boys, who usually fight the entire time and never behave during the prayers. Honestly, life is frustrating right now.
But tonight I realized why...
I am not being the best I can be. The Lord will help me. He will magnify my strengths and fill in for my weakness. I know, without any doubt, that He has lifted me through every struggle that I've ever faced. Often, without my gratitude or appreciation. I also know that every good thing in my life, which are numberless, are gifts from Him. I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have the scriptures. Taylor holds, and is worthy of, the Priesthood. He is a gracious and loving husband. Our home, although very chaotic, is full of love and four rambunctious boys, who I love dearly. So, I'm going to call upon Heavenly Father with everything I have, so that I can be the Mother that I need to be to raise these precious sons to serve the Lord as they we're saved for these last days to do.
I long to be "clasped in the arms of Jesus" (v.11) and I want to know that I really did do all that was asked of me. The only way I can do that, is to rely upon God. Put my trust in Him, pray for His guidance, wisdom, strength and patience.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I hope it will be a better one!
I read Mormon 5:2 about the wicked Nephites who were being lead by dear Mormon, who was without hope for his people, because they had abandoned God. Anyway, the last part struck me to the core: "they...did struggle for their lives without calling upon that Being who created them." I do that, or I am doing that! I'm completely daft! Why do I always get stuck trying to do everything by myself, when I know that the Lord will magnify me. I am not reading my scriptures daily, and strengthening my spirit as I need to. My prayers are flat and without feeling. My mind wanders and dwells on the difficulties, without searching for hope. We do not make it to the Temple monthly. We do have FHE, but it is seriously a major frustration. Each night we attempt to have 'song & prayer' with the boys, who usually fight the entire time and never behave during the prayers. Honestly, life is frustrating right now.
But tonight I realized why...
I am not being the best I can be. The Lord will help me. He will magnify my strengths and fill in for my weakness. I know, without any doubt, that He has lifted me through every struggle that I've ever faced. Often, without my gratitude or appreciation. I also know that every good thing in my life, which are numberless, are gifts from Him. I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have the scriptures. Taylor holds, and is worthy of, the Priesthood. He is a gracious and loving husband. Our home, although very chaotic, is full of love and four rambunctious boys, who I love dearly. So, I'm going to call upon Heavenly Father with everything I have, so that I can be the Mother that I need to be to raise these precious sons to serve the Lord as they we're saved for these last days to do.
I long to be "clasped in the arms of Jesus" (v.11) and I want to know that I really did do all that was asked of me. The only way I can do that, is to rely upon God. Put my trust in Him, pray for His guidance, wisdom, strength and patience.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I hope it will be a better one!
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